Flutter Away

First things first, I should explain the last entry of mine. No, that wasn't Miriam; yes, it was some other girl. Her name is Michelle and she was a nice acquaintance of mine from the old private school I attended. And, on Wednesday night of last week, I received a phone call from her.

Let me give you a little backstory on Michelle. First of all, like I said, we used to go to school together. Our entire grade consisted of thirty-two individuals, so everyone knew everyone else more or less. I believe I first saw Michelle back in second grade while I was nursing my crush on another girl, Jayme (who currently lives in Chicago). Michelle was always the quiet girl, and never spoke up on any occasion. She always had long, blondish-brown hair, and almost always pulled it back into a pony-tail. She wasn't the most attractive girl in school, being beaten out by many of the other girls in that grade, but she still had a little allure about her. I never really took notice of her until after Jayme left. Next thing you know, I notice a rather tall girl that would always follow others around (in no way was Michelle a leader).

She always seemed nervous but happy when I talked with her back then, and she was very soft-spoken. The whole shy thing was very attractive to me for some reason. She wasn't too shy either - just enough to gain my attention and keep it. Also, I was informed by another girl, Kristen, that she more or less had a bit of a crush on me. Notice that I was in eighth-grade, and was shy like no other still. For this reason, I never really approached her on this mild attraction we both shared. I still regret that, to some extent. The last time I saw and talked to her was at the highschool graduation party, my eighteenth birthday.

On to the call.

Now, I'd given her a call previously because of that dream, and she promptly apologized for not calling sooner. I forgave her and laughed about it, talked to her for a little while before mentioning the reasoning behind my calling her. We both thought it was very weird, but we chuckled later. It turns out that many changes happened while these five years passed.

Instead of staying in Seattle, Kristen and her family moved back to Aiken. Kristen was a very good friend of mine and I got along great with her. I'd say that she was one of the only girls in St. Mary's that I really could chat with on a daily basis every morning. I think daycare together is what linked the two of us really. That and Kristen had a crush on my brother in fourth grade (ha HA! Pinkie-swear). Turns our that she's an English Major as well. So, I need to some how find her number and give that girl a call. We've a lot of catching up to do.

Also, I learned of some troubles between Rachael, another friend of mine, and her family. She was out of college and working because her parents were having issues (something I relate to). If anyone from my past could relate to my current life, whether it be my love of drawing and writing, it would be her. I need to give her a call as well, if only to see how she's holding up.

As for Michelle: She changed a bit as well. It turns out that I was mistaken for thinking she'd gone to USC; instead, she attended Clemson (USC's rival) college, a good hour or two away from where I currently live. Also, her life is going pretty smoothly and I don't know too many details other than that. She was surprised that I joined a different church, and surprised me for knowing what the Latter-Day-Saints were. Also something that surprised me was that she hardly ever went to Church anymore. I had her pinned as a religion loving girl and what not - ah well.

The chat went along fine and we decided that we'd stay in touch here and there. I planned on inviting her out to dinner on Friday, but things fell through and we weren't able to meet up or anything. Currently, I suspect the girl is now somewhere in Clemson right now, getting ready to attend that college of hers.

And... yeah. That's about it.

Also, I've remembered a little thing that chimed in to me recently: I won't do something if a person asks me about it. Take for example the laundry. My mother had been bugging me and bugging me and bugging me about doing it. Everytime she did it, I was more and more reluctant to ever get it done. Yesterday, when she wasn't awake, I did it because I saw it there. That's the thing - I'll be more likely to do something when people aren't nagging my butt off to get it done. This holds true for just about everything I do. I HATE IT when people start nagging at me to do something like get a job, get good grades, or to get a girlfriend. Especially the last one.

Unless you've been under a rock for the past few months, you've noticed that my post generally have something mentioning girls in it, whether it be the ones I'm interested in or the details of people nagging at me. "So, James, what about that Vanessa girl? When are you going to ask her out?" "Hmm, I don't know, John. When are you? You've been with just about every girl in this entire ward already." I kid you not that he almost has. But he's not the only person I get it from, and it grinds at me constantly whenever some one mentions the thought of me getting with a girl. I find it irksome that something like that has to be their business.

If I want the world to know, I'll let it know. If I don't give a hoot, then I won't.

That asside... I don't really know what it is with me. I've almost no attraction to any girl in this ward. I loath the thought of being expect to stick with members as well, seeing how that seems to be the only way to get into the Celestial Kingdom. Sure, I'd love to find another girl and all that, but my standards just aren't being met at this time. If they're smart and attractive, then they're seriously lacking in maturity. If they're mature... which basicly none of them are, then they have other flaws. Goodness knows the girls that would catch my fancy at already married. Half my friends online are more mature and fun to be with than the girls in this ward.

And while I'm on the topic of girlfriends and boyfriends, I wondered what the purpose of having one was at this point. Sure, cuddling might be fine and dandy, and all that cutesy little hanging around together 24/7 is fine, but for what purpose. As I see it, guys are just interested in getting with a girl for perverse motives these days. I look at Mike and his girlfriend (who technically isn't with him since she moved to Virginia), and I wonder what the heck the point was between them. All I know is that she made-out with him on the first date and that seemed to clinche the deal. Moments of passion... *sighs*

Where the heck has love gone in this world? I'd really like to see that again in a way that's not perverted by today's disgusting sex-drives. Yeah, I look forward to sexual intercourse just as much as the next guy, but I'm not making that my goal when I find a girl. I'm looking for someone more than a friend, more than a girlfriend, and more than just someone I talk to every once in a while.

I'm looking for the girl that I can fall in love with - the one that can love me as well.

A few moments of temporary passion... I remember being accused for wanting only that at one point. I felt entirely misunderstood when I was attacked by those words, and the pain I felt still lingers with me to this day. Basically, I just plain feel misunderstood all the time. My mind turns one way and the world turns the other. Perhaps I'm misunderstanding the world around me, unable to see the real picture. Whatever the case... the world just seems too foggy for me when it comes to love.

And yeah... called by the Bishop today. I should be receiving the Melchizedek priesthood by the end of the month if the meeting with the Stake-President goes well. Also, I'm a Ward Missionary now.

Go me.