Inside Me

My Thanksgiving: Fun.

My Family: Pretty good.

The way I feel right now: Not too happy.

No one hurts her. I never want to hear about anyone hurting her. Not physically. Not mentally. I don't want to have her deal with that sort of issue. I don't want her to have to be hurt like that - ever. How dare they? How honestly dare they try and hurt her like that? Huh? Tehy shouldn't even try to mess with her. They shouldn't have even approached her. I've read enough crud to know what happens, and I don't like it one bit.

Do not ever hurt her.

Ugh, I'm sorry that people have to see me like that. I can't help but feel completely and utterly ... I don't know how to explain how I feel. I'm slightly nuts and it's all because of past emotions. I don't know what I'd do if I was there... I don't know what sort of messed up thing I'd have done if I ever met the guy. I honestly don't... and the Lord knows that it wouldn't be any good for me to do it. Maybe I'm the one who needs help, not my brother. Maybe I should...

My conversation on AIM just turned from one of the scariest things I've ever written into one of the craziest things. I honestly feel sorry for DS having to deal with my mood swings and all the bizarre stuff I have to say. Oi... why do I even feel this way? Why oh why oh why... And now I am crying. Why am I crying now? Why have I managed to avoid such a thing in so many weeks now. Ha... the most romantic thing I've ever said about her and she can't hear it. What in the world have I possible come to?

I honestly thought I was over it all. I honestly did.

Sorry for the short entry. It's better that I don't write so much this time.

Hot Shower

Seeing how I never finished editting my last entry, I figure I might as well write an entirely new entry for what happened over the past few days. I've just been so busy lately that it's ridiculous! Oh well. I'm hoping this Thanksgiving Break will give the proper amount of time to dish out a decent post for everyone to read. I mean... what am I suppose to say to all my loving fans out there? *ego trip*

Anyway, going on to Monday's events. Nothing all that special happened, considering how it looks, but I did get to spend some quality time with Lisa.

The morning came around and I had almost no sleep thanks to that report, but I headed off anyway with my two hours worth of sleep. What surprised me about class that day was the complete lack of students hanging around. Seeing how it was Thanksgiving week and we only had two days, that was somewhat expected. Still, I hung around and put my stuff away, turned in my report, and came back to my seat. Oh, then I'd forgotten to sign that honors pledge we need to put on every single paper we turn in, so up I went again, along with half the class.

You know, I was pretty happy with my paper. I had no problems quoting references, no issues with finding the proper wording, and it exceeded the minimal limit by a vast margin. Mine was, as I said, about Berkeley's outlook on philosophy; namely, his philosophy of perception. I'll go ahead and explain it to you another day though, as I've already done it a number of times already. But after I had it completely turned in, I was halfway to my seat before giving Lisa a small tap on the head. Why I did that - I shall never know.

I don't know why I greet people in strange manners, and usually physically. Take my friend, Jowy, for instance. Whenever I walk up to him, I take my fist and give him a light punch in the stomach. Nothing that would be painful, but just something to make physical contact. He plays along and pretends its a major hit, grunt and bending over, then laughs about it after we chat. And when Brother Tuckfield comes over to shake my hand at every Institute meeting, I stand up, and shake his hand for a good ten seconds, keeping him there and making him laugh about it. Not sure why I extend a hand shake some times either. I just feel that people become too formal with them, and for good reason, and they need to lighten up on it.

Either that or I like making people laugh.

But anyway, Lisa instantly looked up and greeted me as well, making me turn around and look slightly surprised. Again, I don't know why I act so crazy, but I love it nonetheless. So I sit down with the young lady and chat with her for a while, speaking about the paper and relativity. Basicly, a nice, mature conversation involving her using cyan print for her paper and me consoling her by saying, "Hey, at least you didn't use yellow." But, alas, we had to cut our witty remarks off since class started, so I had to wait a good forty or so minutes before joined Lisa once more.

Yes, I could have just sat there with her for the entire class if I wanted to, but I have scheming to do.

We rejoined after class and I walked along with her to the library. I was headed there anyway, so I figured it would give me time to get to know this girl in a more enlightened view. She is fun to hang around, I'll give her that. And off we trodded towards the back of the library, her with her labtop in hand and me with my Calculus book. We chatted about Gaia and such, and I showed her a few articles I had written on the site, then she showed me her guild and invited me it. Ehh... it's sort of a mix between General Discussion and Chatterbox. Not really my cup of tea, but I had nothing better to do. But eventually, we both went to work on our various projects, and I actually helped her out with the Works Cited portion of her paper.

Apparently, she needed my 'expertise' when it came to that section. I'm not too sure what those are, but I'm an English Major, and that translates into me knowing more about it than others. Fortunately, I did.

After about an hours work of talking, she finished her work and we had to depart. Still looking forward to taking her to lunch some day. Then again... I'm discovering more and more fish in the sea lately. Why didn't anyone tell me that socializing with women was this much fun?!?

Good gosh, I'm turning into John. o.-''

Maybe it's because girls actually give me the time of day. High school was a pain in the neck for me when it came to relationships. Never having one during that time - probably a good thing in retrospect - was a damper on my days when I was busy pining over various girls. Jodi Derr, for example, was one in particular that I believe had some sort of feelings for me, and I was just mad about her, but we never really did anything about it. Sure, I could hold some coversations and make a few laugh here and there, but I just couldn't get it out to actually spend quality time with them and make myself presentable.

That and I look about twenty-times hotter now than I ever did back then. Down girls, down! ;3 And, needless to say, I've had quite the boost to my self-esteem. Especially over the past month, for some odd reason. My voice is clearly, my coversations are more mature, and I hold myself well in large crowds of people. Spiffy, no?

Mmm! Where have I gone now? Oh well.

Tuesday! Yes, Tuesday! That's where I was going! Of course, of course. So this Tuesday of mine. Yes indeed! Indeed, this Tuesday... yeah.

Seeing how it was the last day of class for a while, everyone was ready to get their butts out of college and head home for some R&R. However, my day was quite crowded when it came for things to do. After escaping English class, I zoomed home and prepared a bit of lunch for the missionaries.

Yes, I do many activities for them, and these tow in particular, Bowns and Cobbley, are the ones I don't get to chat with too often. Once they arrived, I set out the grill, the non-stick skillet, and whipped up a feast consisting off hotdogs and scambled eggs. Why? Because it's a casual meal that only takes five minutes to prepare, that's why. So we feed the missionaries and the three of us get to talking about the events over the past week. They talked about when Elder Hanks was visiting me when I was Atheist, and we all received a crack from that. For some reason or another, I still laugh about that incident. Then we got into a discussion about my flexibility.

And for those of you that know, I am very flexible. I am sitting Yoga-style as I type this very message out; and even then, it doesn't stop. No one knows exactly how flexible I can be, not even myself.

Tres bizarre, non?

ANYWHO! I try and teach them how to be more flexible (like I even know how), then showed them what I could do consiting of: yoga-sitting, head to my feet sitting butterfly-style, but fets under my armpits, one foot behind my head (I'd have tried for two but I had shoes on), and literally lifting my entire body up and walking around while Yaog-sitting. I can do plenty more than that, but they wanted to try these as well. Sadly... they couldn't even do Yoga-sitting. Ah well... we'll try again next time.

After they left, I prepare myself for a rigorous day of doing nothing for the following hours; and I succeeded! 6:20 rolled around, and it was a Tuesday, so I went over to Institute. Arriving around 6:50, I looked into the parking lot... and stared at how empty it looked.

Now, usually, people don't arrive at Institute until five - ten minutes before it starts. This was at that five minute marker, and only Kathy, Katie, Amara, and Yon (who just arrived as I did) were around. The lights of the building were off, and we all had the same question soaring through our minds: "Did we miss something?" So, we called Chris (the key-holder) and asked where he was. Turns out that he didn't have the key and we were all stranded there. Oh but don't worry! Brother Tuckfield was on the way and surely he had a key to save us from this blinding cold weather. And lo and behold, Lord Tuckfield arrived in a silver chariot, carrying both Vanessa and Audrey with him. The crowd gather before him, awaiting the good news of the keyholder. Then a gasp sounded, indicating that Sir Tuckerton of Fieldsville had his keys on the OTHER chariot of his. Thus, hlaf the women fainted in disbelief, and everyone sorrowed.

So, naturally, we called Jen and she was going to arrive a few moments later with said key. Hoo-rah. I should mention that I was the only one present that wasn't wearing a jacket nor a sweater. Hmm... I blame my masculinity.

There we were, gandering over the Book of Mormon, and I read a little of Omni. Omni was fun, considering that it consisted of about six or so prophets speaking in it. We had a little debate on why they were scrunching so many individuals on one chapter, and it turns out that they ran out of room. If you don't believe me, check out the Chapter of Omni yourself and see what it says in the last few verses.

Also, turns out my tummy growled a lot, allowing Katie and the others around me to hear it clear as day. Hey, at least it opened up a little conversation for me with Mike and Katie, so that's good. The latter of the two showed me the picture of her nieces and nephews that she carried around as a bookmark, and they looked fairly cute. Made me regret not having a bigger family also. The family of mine in South Carolina is the only one around in this entire region. Everyone else is either out west or in the New England area. Never really had a full-blown family reunion. I'll have to try that out some day.

And that about sums it all up for me. I had a fabulous week thus far, and I'm looking forward to this break. See you people later.

... I remember that he loved to sleep on paper bin all day. He was such a cute creature... like a little baby.

Lucidity

The small creature brushed against my leg, showing affection for me and letting out tiny pleads. His eyes were orange as the sunset, and his fur matched the waves of the water. I couldn't help but smile down upon him and scratch behind his ears, atop his forehead, and upon the base of his tail. How happy he seemed when I pampered him, and how he always runs to the door as soon as I got home. He's an awfully wonderful friend, and I pray he never leaves...

Monday, Monday, Monday... oo la la. Basicly a normal weekend for me, save for a few items of consideration.

Saturday, I stayed home and did nothing. Honestly, I did absolutely nothing productive that day. Wish I'd gone out or called up a friend or two to chat with, or even catch a movie. Yes, that new Harry Potter movie came out, and no I haven't seen it still. Honestly, I'm not a Harry Potter fan in anyway, but I figure I should see it, if only to understand what the heck everyone else is talking about when mentioning the movie.

Maybe I should invite John and Mike this time. The former or the two was rather whiny when he found out I saw Serenity without him. C'est la vie.

Sunday was slightly more eventful. As always, I had church to attend to and made it on time. There, I chatted with the Elders, as per usual, and joked about various topics. Can't help but enjoy those fellows. After Sacrament Meeting, I headed for the door and found John chatting with the Elders, and there was a lovely young lady with them. And I thought to myself, "Hey... she looks rather familiar. Hmmm..." And sure enough, I did know her. It seems that John mentioned me to her before, and she instantly recognized my name. Twas fun seeing Samatha once again, even if we really weren't that close of friends. Also, it was nice seeing her there because I knew she was a very good person and would fit right in.

Unfortunately, she was terribly uncomfortable in her surroundings. When John left her, she became very paranoid and nervous looking. I came over and did my best to distract her from everything, even directing her where everything was (namely, the bathroom). I honestly felt sorry for her when she went into Gospel Principles class also. Turns out that our usual teacher, Brother Bassette, wasn't around that week so the missionaries decided to give the lesson. Their lesson - The first lesson when teachering investigators. Oh and you could tell they were directing it all towards Sam, and I think the seriousness of how they spoke really didn't affect her in the best of ways. In my opinion, one should be introduced to the church in a way that's enjoyable, like how I was. Instead of seeing the missionaries first, I went to the church and had a great time with everyone there. An non-member should be comfortable with what they're being introduced to, rather than having it all pushed into their laps like that.

I'm certainly going to be a different sort of missionary, aren't I?

But other than that, I had a whole new experience in that class; babies! Babies are adorable, in my opinion, though I scarcly think about looking after one at my age. However, Rachael (I mentioned her a while ago) brought forth a toddler she was playing nanny for, and was having a bit of a difficult time trying to keep him still. Eventually, he made his way towards me and I opted to look after the child while my friend took a breather. So, there I sat, holding firm on chairs that little Alec tried to push over, and trying my best to amuse him. When he moved over to the door leading outside, I retrieved his attention long enough to get an 'It's okay' remark from Rachael. And it was, considering that the door required one to push on the handle of it, a bar much to high for this young one. I returned him to Rachael after a while and helped feed him Cheerios, and was surprised how impressionable he was. I would hold out my hand, then he'd put the Cheerio in my palm. Afterwards, I hold the Cheerio up and he copied what I did. It was adorable!

Never knew being a parent would be like that. It reminded me of playing Black and White, where the creature has to be taught a great deal (through reward and punishment) before being able to work his way around anything. Too bad you can't teach children to toss giant balls of water. Note to self: Get married and have kids some day.

Yes, I like planning ahead. So sue me.

The rest of the day was spent working on my philosophy paper, which I managed to complete without too much of a hassle. George Berkeley was an interesting fellow, to say the least, and had a very 'sensible' outlook on life. I think it would do people some good to actually look him up and study a few things. If not... ah well. There's always Nietzsche for all the rest of you out there; though now that I think about it, the people that read my blog (if any) probably wouldn't like his philosophy too much. And if they did, I'd suggest they keep a VERY open mind about him. I think I used to follow his philosophy, and I think people would have a better understanding about Atheism if they read his work as well.

Is it weird that I'm more than happy to defend Catholicism, Mormonism (or LDS-ism), and Atheism? That's like three conflicting belief-systems all wrapped up in one mind. The thing is that I was all three of those in my life time, and that gives me a better understanding about how each individual of those faiths (or lack of) believes and doesn't believe. I find conflict in all of them, yet I truly believe that the people are not all wicked and cruel as people make them out to be. I'm actually saddened that I didn't take this Philosophy class before Miriam's grandmother spoke on how awful Atheists are.

"They think it's alright to kill some one." she said.

"Uh... no. There's a little something called 'ethnic law' that people follow," is what I'd have like to have said.

I still believe that religion isn't the source of morality for human-kind. It's a good guide, by people make morals for themselves. If you think it's alright to kill someone, then you are messed up in the head or you have misinterpretted some definition somewhere. Which leads me back to the children of the world. They should be taught proper morals by the family rather than by some stranger. To me, that's one of the best ways you can teach a child. Think about it... a child trusts a parent with his or her life, and it's that parent's obligation to set the kid straight. If that child grows up to be a mass-murdering psycho, then, like I said, he/she is messed up in the head or they misinterpretted something. Don't blame it on games, movies, TV, or what ever. It's the duty of the parents to regulate what that child is exposed to until they are at a mature enough age to decide for themselves. If little Timmy is found watching some adult channel on the television, whose fault is it that those channels were not blocked out? If little Susie is found stabbing her doll, whose fault is it that no one was around to tell her to stop?

I think you know what I'm talking about.

Ah... philosophy was very fun.

Dripping Faucet

She's an adorable creature, I'll give her that. Since as long as I can remember, she has never truly made me mad. Upset, of course, but I could never hate her. But... she has that effect on everyone. And now here she was again, sleeping with her head in my lap. Her hair tickles a bit, but I really don't mind it. With her, nothing truly bothers me anymore. Perhaps that's why I'm so darn content with everything around me. But under here... under these stars...

Oo la la, where have the days gone? Wednesday was rather interesting for me. Besides what I already mentioned, I also figured out what was wrong with my father (medical wise).

After math class, which I was itching to escape from, I headed into the parking lot and looked over towards the hospital across the street. Now, earlier this morning, my father and mother left the house and headed over there for my dad's treatment. I really wasn't too sure as to what he was being treated on, but I knew he was going to have surgery at some point in his lifetime. Turns out that was today. I was in the neighborhood and all so I decided that I might as well visit the big ol' lug and see how everything was going. I mean... I should only be there for a good five minutes right?

EHHN - wrong!

So an hour later, I'm still hanging around with my folks as my dad feasted upon crackers and Mountain Dew. It wasn't too bad either since we were all talking with one another. Mom was her usual clueless self while dad seemed to understand every single thing I said. I don't know whether that man lies about knowing everything or whether he was just trying to look good in front of mom. Not too sure but he always goes, "Mmmhmmm that's right" whenever I say something. Gives me the sense that he admires me or something, like a subordinate agreeing with everything I say.

"Yes, Master James, I completely agree!"

"You're like thiry-five years older than me, you can't possibly agree with everything!"

"Yes, Master James, I completely agree!"

But, on to what dad had. Turns out that there were issues with his testicles and he needed to have a bit of surgery. There was liquid build-up somewhere in his scrotum and he had to have it drained or something. Either that or they had to take something out, not too sure on that one. But anyway, he basicly has to wear a jock-strap for the next week or two so he can support his testicles and needs to make sure it stays nice and clean so as to avoid an infestion. If such an infection occurs, he needs to come back immediately and have the doctors look at it.

Yes, folks, I can safely say that it was, by far, one of the most awkward conversation I ever had to endure. Also, I apologize to all the men in the audience who had to read that. I know it hurts to think about but yeah...

So Thursday was rather boring so I'm not going to say anything about it. Why bother if there's nothing to ellaborate on? I'll tell you why! Because every say in a person's life is very imporatnt. Everyone has a piece of page that their lives are recorded on, and that piece of paper could revolutionize the way in which that person thinks! If you can say ntohing about your days, then you are a sad excuse for a person!

Well... looks like I'm a sad excuse. Bummer, eh?

So Friday comes around and I manage to get to Philosophy class late but on time (strange, I know). We talked about some person or another and how they're related to something or other and how their name looked very German to me. Anyway, this guy is supposed to be the most religious philosopher (recorded) since Augustine's time, but I don't know too much about that. He did, however, have a very interesting life of his, mainly because of his father cursing the Lord. And now before you yell at his pop, understand that he was forever guilt ridden for doing that. So come on... give the guy a bit of slack. And, as usual, he argues with the other philosopher before him and yadda yadda.

So, class ended and I headed over to the library to study up on that Physics quiz I was going to have. After a good hour or so of procrastination, my computer dies (along with all the others near me) and I try to figure it out. What was wrong with my poor baby? The power wasn't working, so maybe it had something to do with the battery... I checked that and it too wasn't working properly. Alas... I had to study for my Physics quiz... from my text book. What has the world has come to!?

Oh, and for those of you who were wondering, I think I made a 9/10 on it. Not what I wanted but I can't complain, right?

Anyway, seeing how it was a Friday, I was looking forward to checking with Lisa in there. Unfortunately, she was no where to be found. How sad I must have appeared to be unable to talk with that pleasant girl that I'd only met and knew very little about (*emotear*). But, my plans were not thwarted so easily. For lo' and behold, I went outside and spent my time just laying around, waiting until class started; there she was. Talking over there, by the H&SS building, with two friends that I did not know. Luck be mine as I thought up a clever plan that required some brilliant maneuvering.

Walk by without seeming to notice them. Simple, but it worked like a charm.

Lisa calls me over and we chat a little bit about Philosophy class and the paper that was due on Monday. Laughs are shared and I mingled into the little group they had there. And yes, it only consisted of Lisa, some asian guy, Porter Smith, and myself.

What? Yes, I know who Porter Smith is. Porter is a good friend of mine from highschool that I hung out with. Also, we see each other everyday and that's very bizarre. Oh, and he's a member of the church. Coincidence? I think not! It's fate that bonds us! Our paths are meant to~

Anyway, on to more pressing topics. Found out that the girl reminds me way too much of my highschool recess-buddies. Most were gothic and humorous, and tended to smoke and curse every so often. Also, they were very outspoken about many topics, good and bad, and weren't afraid to make smart remarks. Hey, I liked them nonetheless. She's a feminist but gladly explained how men and women should be treated equally, which I agree with. Also, she talked about many other topics and such that typically wouldn't come up in an ordinary conversation, which many of my old friends did as well. At least I could enjoy the conversation rather than feeling alienated and uneducated, like sometimes with my firends, so more props to her on that. And I do enjoy how she's a lot more subtle when it comes to one-on-one conversations, and even acts pretty mature.

While it doesn't look like we would become a relationship, I do think we'd do very well as friends. Still, I wanted to invite her out to eat after school the other day, but an extended lab class prevented me from seeing her the rest of the day. C'est la vie... at least I got to know Justin and the rest of the crew from Physics.

After the quiz, Mr. Miller passes out cards to assign us groups. Magicly, I'm not with that one girl's group! I'll explain:

Almost every time I am in lab, I am teamed with that one girl's group. I forget her name so... yeah. But it's the most bizarre thing ever! Out of all the labs we've done, I must have been with her group five times at this point. Take in account that there are people there who have never been in my group before, but this girl is with me five times! Sad too that she knows my name but I can't think of hers for the life of me. Darn my misfortune with names!

Also, I'm usually the only guy in the groups as well. I don't know if you know this but... that's a disadvantage in my opinion. I don't know what it is about me but girls/women have no problem talking about massages, spas, or anything else catering to the needs of females around me. Two weeks ago, they were talking about spas and so on and so forth, then it's about getting their eyebrows plucked and so on and so forth. Being the only guy around, I have very few points in those conversations where I can say: "Oh yeah! Totally! I know what you mean. When I have to have a make-over, I go straight to this guy named Missy! He's fabulous!"

Though I do like giving massages, and I consider myself pretty good at them too! Hmph!

In the lab we obtained some sticks, set them up, and started playing with some marbles. It was a test on probability, and how atoms generally won't hit one another because they're so tiny. So we did this test a few times, all the while chasing after the wooden marbles that rolled down the halls. Not only was this a test of probability, but of flexibility as well. I don't know how many times I leapt down the hall and slide on my pants to retrieve a running marble, but it was quite a few. Also, I got some throwing practice by tossing the marbles back at Justin and nearly smacking his eyes every once in a while. Still, we had a lot of fun at those parts... even if we did have to toss the marbles a good 200 times.

Yeah, we felt sorry for the groups that didn't know about that.

So after that, we did some stuff with radiation and Geiger counters, then headed on home. And here I am now, busily doing nothing on a Saturday afternoon. Maybe I invite some buddies to go watch that new Harry Potter movie or something. I'm not into Harry Potter or anything like that, but people are going to talk about it anyway and I don't feel like being left out of the loop.

Until next time!

... she just seemed like an angel.

Cradled Hearts

As I stared up upon the dark skies, I saw the twinkling stars illuminating the world. The moon was their king and they, the people, danced around him majesticly, flickering to a silent tune. Watching the party from so far away made me jealous; I too wanted to hear that melody in the sky; to embrace its celestial tone. Oh how fun it must be to be in the court of the cosmos...

Mm! Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle. You know how utterly impossible it is for a cat to play a fiddle? The fact is that cats lack thumbs - an essential tool for fiddle playing - and they couldn't keep a tone nearly as good as humans would. Why? Because their range of hearing is far beyond that of us, and we'd end up getting headaches from the way cats played. So next time you even think about giving a cat a fiddle, pull out some advil and get some cotton balls for your ears.

Tuesday was rather fun for me. I enjoyed a long and eventless day that led me to driving the missionaries around. They called me up and asked if I could come out with them from 3:30 to around... 5:15. And, of course, I'm more than happy to drive these guys around. Turns out that they asked me to come about early because they wanted me to hang around with them and have some fun conversation - which is also something I enjoy. This bond between me and the missionaries just gets stronger and stronger, and I love them to pieces. They go out every day to serve the Lord, and have to deal with cooked meals that aren't always pleasant. It's a miracle all on their own. For that reason, I try to make their lives the best it possibly can be.

That's why I always keep a full stock of root beer at my house!

See, when missionaries, or anyone from the church, come to my house, I offer them root beer. Oh and they know I don't let up on it either. The first time elder Cobbley came to my house, I offered the guy a nice, cold can of A&W; he humbly refused. And then I stared at Elder Bowns, and Elder Bowns stared at me. Both he and I were thinking the same thing. So I look back at the man and say:

"Alright, ya sure you don't want a root beer. Because I mean... the offer's still going to be there, just so you know."

Again, he politely refuses.

"Hey, James," Bowns says, leaning in as he's prone to do, "I'd be more than happy to have a root beer."

"Why of course, Elder Bowns," I respond, standing up and moving around Cobbley, "You most certainly SHALL have a root beer."

By the end of the night, Cobbley was drinking a root beer. I love the missionaries.

But anyway, today was one of the exchanges for them where some of the Elders switch districts. In this case, the Cedar Creek district was on exchange with Elder Bowns and Elder Cobbley. So, I was able to drive around Elder How-Bit (his nickname) and Elder Hanks, who were both very good friends and served in the same district as one another. We were all having a good time as Hanks kept messing with How-Bit, flicking his ear and poking him from the rear seat, all the while How-Bit would evasively dodge the incoming attacks. Then the conversation turns to me.

Now, at one point, I was atheist. Yes, a great curveball to the conversation, I know, but I tell you that to tell you this. Almost a year ago, some missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ came to visit my brother and I, hoping that our parents were around. They come to the door, my brother lets them in (surprisingly), then kicks my bed to wake me up from my musical trance.

I sit up, look at the missionaries and scratch my head. "Ah, missionaries from some Church, how quaint..." They bore their testimonies and mentioned a few things to me. Unfortunately, they failed to mention a few key words that I would have instantly recognized from what Miriam said. I chastize them not for saying it but believe me when I say this: It could have saved them a whole lot of grief. So when they asked about our faith, my brother is looking down, shrugging his shoulders, and I sit up and proudly exclaim, "I'm atheist, just so you know."

I was one of the only ones they've ever dealt with too.

So they begin asking me all sorts of questions and I happily give my opinion on them: Evolution vs. Creationism, the creation of the universe, my disbelief in a heavenly father, and so on and so forth. Oh, and they were pretty decent explanations as well. By the end of the meeting, the guys really had very little else to say and explained a few of their own beliefs, some of which I agreed to as the time and some of which I didn't. They left with their testimonies and prayers and I happily let them go.

Now ... I tell you that story to tell you this one.

In the car, Elder Hanks asked me how long I've been around Aiken, where as I replied "seventeen years". And then he goes about asking a few other question, and it hits me like a rock. "Oh my word..." And it hits him too. "Hey, James, did we ever visit you before?"

Me: "Yes, yes you have."

Hanks: "... OH MY GOSH!"

And everyone in the car just starts laughing as Hanks explained the whole story all over again. How-Bit got a real kick on it as I kindly corrected Hanks on a few details here and there, and I just laugh about it these days. To think that I was once Atheist and now, about a year later, I was a full-blown member of the Church! Oh how Hanks enjoyed that one. He said he'd use my story in a talk some time about testimonies and such. I gladly permitted such a thing.

And we came home and everyone had an enjoyable time. Love those guys, yes I do.

So, about an hour later, I return home and change into casual clothing, then left for Istitute that night. We talked about Jacob, Chapters 5 - 7, in the book of Mormon. The whole story of the vineyard was very interesting, and I understood its meaning even without looking at the study guide we were given. Conversed with John and the rest as it was all over, then left the place to come home. Ah, but the events of the day weren't over yet.

As we left Institute that night, I drove behind Audrey and John, Mike, Vanessa, and Jessica drove behind me (the latter four all in one car). So we drove along the road, merrily going about our ways as happy as ever, and John comes up beside me. We stop at one stop light, and he gets ahead of me. I eventually catch up with Audrey and am stuck behind her slow-paced driving. One more stop light comes around and Audrey slows down, forcing me too as well. John, on theother hand, goes ahead and speeds up to beat the stoplight (which he does).

Now... unbeknownst to all of us, I have a police car driving behind me. Imagine my surprise when that car comes up from behind me, goes along my side, and speeds past the traffic light as it turns green. Next thing you know, I see some flashing lights and I look over as a certain white car makes a turn into a fast food joint.

"Oh no that isn't," I say, peering through the window and looking at who the unfortunate soul was, "Don't tell me. I think it is -IT IS!" And I just burst out laughing my butt off at what I saw.

John, driving instructor extraordinaire, was pulled over by the cop. I called him up later and he told me it was a warning for speeding, then he tried to argue that he couldn't possibly have gone any faster than Audrey or I. Apparently, he'd forgotten how he managed to make it through the stoplight and how we didn't.

Needless to say, I had quite the eventful Tuesday. The rest of the day shall be left out because my readers already know what happened.

And now we move on to Wednesday. I wake up briskly at 7 am and promptly go back to sleep. Consciousness is regained at 8:30 am, then lost until 8:50 am. It is at that point that I see my mother and father walking around, and my mom talking about the lack of Listerine (mouth wash, for those that don't know). And after that, they talk about going to the hospital today and what may or may not unfold. Surprise for me because I'd just realized that today what the day dad would be going to the hospital. I'm not so sure whether the operation for whatever he's having is today, but I kick myself for not knowing it was today. Funny that John (friend, not brother) asked me about that the other day.

So they left and I soon joined them in the leaving of the apartment. At school, I manage to snag a parking spot in the usual place: the very last row of Parking Lot B. Ugh.. how I hate walking that far. At least it gives me a bit of exercise. So then I walk up behind the Humanities and Social Services building, since that's the fastest way to my class, and I see that girl sitting on the bench outside. I wave and sit down beside her, chatting about how late I was last class and how early I was this time.

Ah, and this girl. I kid you not that she is quite lovely. She's smart, reasonably attractive, and she shares many interests in me. And while she's probably not a Mormon, she does seem to have a nice enough attitude and I've yet to hear her curse. I already mentioned that she dressed mildly like a Goth, but only the typical dark clothing and a few indications here and there. But she was very nice talking with me, sitting there and smiling, holding a cigarette in her hand.

... Yes, folks, I'm as saddened by that fact as I'm sure many of you are as well. It seems that this girl smokes (definately not Mormon). Attractiveness just went down a few points for her and my respect as well.

I've many things against smoking. For one, I've never done so for both personal and moral reasons. Also, there's a certain chemical in them that I am allergic to, so you would never catch me smokign under peer pressure either. Another thing is that both my grandparents on my mother's side died because of the effects of smoking. Yes, smoking doesn't kill you, I can understand that pretty clearly; it's just the effects of smoking that kill off your body and leave you weakened. Sorry folks, no pity for those that know better. And another thing: My dad used to smoke, quit, and still received cancer. And while I don't know if smoking was the true cause of it, the doctors say that it may have contributed to his health problems.

"Don't knock it until you've tried it" is a phrase I've heard many times, but in the case of smoking... I've tried it through the suffering of my family, and I don't like it.

Alas, I'm not one to judge too much about it, and I'd like a friendship with this girl. However, that's as far as it may go if she continues that habit of hers. In a relationship, you need to love every part of a person for it to truly work out. Chris Rock says, "You can't just love the inside of the piece of bread; you need to love the crust and the crumbs as well." A wonderful philosophy, if there ever was one.

Can't say I'm going to entirely give up on this girl though. She may be a smoker, but she has many other qualities that I do like. I honestly just wish I could overlook that one aspect of her but... it's just a very powerful issue in my family. It's probably one of the reasons why my father is in the hospital right now, haivng all sorts of tests done on him.

Sorry that I really got off-track there.

On more humorous notes, I chatted with her still and she asked about what I got on my Philosophy quiz. Due to my tardiness, I hadn't gotten the item back from Monday so I just shrugged and we conversed on. It turns out that some one in the class had turned in a paper with the words "Blank sheet" on it, and there was a little joke about it since one of the philosophers, Locke, had been studied during that time. She mentioned that the person received some extra credit and asked if I was the one that did that.

Oh come on people... you know me by now and you know exactly what happened.

I come into class, on time, might I add, and the teacher asks me to come up and receive my quiz. She then mentioned how they made a little joke about one sheet of blank paper I turned in; the one with the words "Blank Sheet" on it. Under that writing, with red ink, she added "signed, Locke". Unfortunately, the rumor about extra points never came true. Drat...

So, as you can plainly see, my life is filled with more irony than you can shake a stick at. Hey, at least it makes for a pretty good story.

... sitting with the Moon as he stared upon those servants, enjoying their dance while his smile left a glow in clouds that night. How beautiful...

Notes of my Life

So the weekend went by without much of a hitch. I managed to survive the dance, and have a good time!

Because of the fact thatthe car was unavailable to me at the time, I missed the scavenger hunt (the big thing of the day), but at least I managed to get there in time for dinner. It was mostly breakfast themed since we were presented with scrambled eggs, pancakes, syrup, fruit cups, and other articles of food. I managed to make a breakfast burrito bigger than everyone elses, but because of that, it wouldn't exactly close so it had to be considered a breakfast taco. Ah well, at least it was delicious. I don't know why but syrup goes well on every breakfast item.

I put them on eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, et cetera et cetera. You name it and I've glazed it over with a fine layer of maple sap.

Anyway, the ones who actually made it in time for the earlier festivals put on a show for the rest of us that centered around 80s dancing. Jowy's team did rather well, and probably had the funniest one. Clark's team was probably the most amazing of all of them; should the guy try his hand at break dancing, I think he could. Also, in the end, Clark's team won the events because the scavenger hunt involved taking a picture of pets, and he had one with a whole tank of tiny fish. I believe his team received 132 points for that one picture alone.

But anyway, Jowy and I managed to snag our hands upon the Atari 2600 and played a few games for a while. This helped me out in two ways: One - It got me in the mood to dance. Two - It gave me something to do while others danced. It was fun playing on a console that I've never messed with, and the games were fun considering there was very little visual appeal. It just goes to show you that people focused on gameplay more than graphics back them, mainly because they could hardly even get a 3D image made on computers back then. And I actually won most of the games against the guy, so more points for me.

As for the dance itself: I really wasn't into it at the very beginning. As much as I like swaying and wigglign my arms around madly, it's not my thing. But it did give me the chance to talk with John's brother, Christopher, who just came back from his mission a week or two ago. He seemed like a really nice guy and I was surprised how different he was from John; probably was still recovering from missionary-ism. Even Jowy hasn't fully grasped the fact that he's back yet. But after games left me feeling very perky, for lack of a better word, I joined in with Yon (or Jan or however it's spelled) and danced with a number of them when "Shout" was playing. I must say that I liked the Disturbed version of that song better, though it came out almost two decades later.

Sunday's events weren't all that exciting though. I just stayed at home all day, playing World of Warcraft when ever my brother wasn't. I'd play it more often, but if he logs in, I get disconnected, and vice-versa. Chances are that he doesn't even know I'm playing the game (*grin*), so more power to me for beating the system, so to speak. Tribes wasn't much different, though I did have some guy heckle me in-game and people were getting a big pissed off. A friend of mine on there was about to lash out at the guy, but I asked him not to. Reason: I don't want more people getting in trouble than they had to.

The administrators if the Top Guns server finally took action when the guy started slandering one of their clan members names, and he was booted almost immediately. This got to me on the fact that he wasn't booted sooner from harassing everyone else. Just because we're not in the clan doesn't mean we shouldn't have the equal rights on a server. Rules are rules, and everyone has to follow them, even the clan members. So, I had a little heart to heart talk with the guys in observer mode and expressed this two them. It turns out that one of them was going to get at the previous mentioned guy for harassing me, but stopped when I asked my friend to. I explained how their word should go over mine and how I only did what I did so that no one would get into anymore trouble.

While being part of a clan gives you authority, it also gives you responsibility. This aspect holds true for many things in life, whether it be religion, politics, or any organized group.

On to more personal note:
I've been pondering about women more and more so these days. I suppose the intial shock of breaking up has finally faded away. It's just so weird being single now though. No more calls every night, no more expectations of that special some one contacting you throughout the day, no more saying "I love you!" every five minutes. Admittedly, I miss being with a girl, but I also missed the freedom I once held. Oh well, at least I have a bit of a life now a days. I'm enjoying the company of others more and more so these days.

That and I kept thinking about that girl from Friday (no, I'm not going to say her name just yet). There are dozens of girls that are more attractive than she is in this school, even that class. However, she struck me as different from the rest of them. She has a certain appeal to her that I find strangely attractive. Oh well, time will tell. Also, I need to start scheming again thanks to her. Oh dear how I do that so often these days.

Alas, I still can't help but worry about Mia. I don't know or understand what was egging her the other day, but old boyfriend instincts came around and I wanted to help her out with it. Alas, cryptic messages never were easy to decipher, and I can only speculate. C'est la vie.

OH! And a little side-note: Dad came home yesterday. I don't remember if I mentioned this or not, but was gone for about a week and a half to deal with my issues concerning my grandmother. She was placed in a nursing home and now he and my Aunt are figuring out what to do with her property. There was a great deal of peper work that had to be signed between the two of them, and I'm sure that must have been a hassle for him. Oh, and I'm more than sure that him going up there wasn't the only motive of his. To those of you who actually know what I'm talking about: Yeah, speculate all you want. It probably happened.

Oi, is my family a strange one or what?

A dark shroud hides mine sight; open up thine curtains and let me see truth.

All I Can Say

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain~

Or not. Not sure why but my life's been pretty good lately. I'm much more outgoing, I feel much better about life, and everything is in it's proper place for some odd reason. My week has just been good for me and I don't know why. Huhm...

I don't know why but I'm happy. I had fun with the missionaries when talking with Devin (an aspiring member who'll be baptized soon enough) and school is going alright for me. Speaking of which, I'm doing surprisingly well in Physics class lately. I was a bit disheartened by my average earlier this week, but lately all my tests and quizzes have turned up in either 90's or above. I've no clue why but those half hours worth of studing have been paying off nicely. I'm hoping for a good grade on that test we took yesterday as well.

On to more interesting news: Found a girl that actually goes on to Gaia fairly often. Now, to many of you, this doesn't mean jack-squat. "Why make a bit deal over meeting some one who goes on the same site as you?" one might say. Take in account that this is, more or less, the largest online forum in the world, and not to mention I live in a teeny-tiny little town that no one has ever heard of. Also, Gaia means a lot to me and I consider it a hobby (in comparison to an obsession I used to have) that has helped me out a lot in life. I've grown into a better individual thanks to what I've learned over the past two years on the site. So, much love for Gaia.

Anyway, back to the story: So I'm in the library, diligently studying for a Physics quiz that's going to come about in the next hour or so when I looked back over to Gaia, checking it out and scrolling down the page. All of the sudden I hear this soft voice from beside me talking. My first reaction was ignorance since I don't tend to talk with anyone in the library. After a few seconds, I stop scrolling when she asks which one of the avatars is mine (since that words makes a little 'bing!' noise in my head). A quick glance and I see a young, feminine face peaking out from the other side of wooden wall thing, staring at me and then the screen. Keep in mind that I'm not used to spontaneous conversation, and I took a while to compute everything that was going on at that moment.

So, I pull back and we start chatting about Gaia for a bit. I show her my avatar and I look up hers, which was fairly well off (you won't get it unless you go on the site, trust me). She'd been on the site for almost a year, and I told her how I'd been on for a little over two (two and a day to be exact).

After a while, we went along our ways of studying and what not some more. Of course, being the kind of guy that I am, I couldn't quite get her off of my mind. Remember how I said that I contemplate a lot about women and such? This was happening a that very moment. Ha ha! And that SO was not helping me study! But nevertheless, I felt better and happier. "Some one else who plays on Gaia... hmm." I find it wonderful when two people can connect on a topic and have a fun discussion over something.

Anyway, as she was leaving, I realized that I'd recognized her before. It turns out that she was in my Philosophy class, which, in turn, meant I saw her around three times a week at least. Strange how I didn't recognize her at first, but I suppose that's because I sit in the back and she's in the very front, and the only one with a laptop no less - I considered her the Laptop-Goth-Girl. I mentioned knowing her and she knew me as well - I am the Almost-Late-For-Class-Everyday-Guy. We both had a little laugh about that before talking about college. It turns out that she works on the Broken Ink literary magazine, and she asked if I ever submitted anything into it; Sadly, I hadn't ( trust me, I really wanted to). So yes, this also amazed me that she was interested in the literary arts field. Truely interests me when I find people who have a passion for writing or just art in general. Finally, she left and I felt really good for some odd reason.

Meeting new people and relating with them is quite intriguing.

Anyway, went to class, had a lab about the color spectrum of elements and so on and so forth. A bunch of colorful experiments involving the usage of spectroscopes up to shining elements and seeing what makes them a certain kind. Hydrogen is purple, green, and red, while I believe Zinc was blue, green, and red. Neon was the most beautiful of them all and had more lines on it than I could count. Also, in case you were wondering, the sky is purple. Got to talking about O'Charley's steak house and how cruddy the service there was, and about the many wonders of waiting tables.

After coming home from college, I chill out and reflected upon the day. It'd been nice, relaxing, and I met and talked to a great deal of people. Wonder why life was so grand... and it got even better.

This night, I picked up the Jones kids and took them to church to have a harvest feast for Thanksgiving; this made sense since no one would come on Thanksgiving because of all the great food at home. So, we all scarfed down on chow and I chatted the missionaries up for all they're worth. Elder Bowns and I talked about the movie Saw and how our bishop looked just like the main 'villain'. And, I kid you not when saying this, he really does look like him; Creepy... Afterward, I found the other missionaries looking through Brother Taylor's sketch book, containing a great deal of his drawing.

And might I say... he is one of the best drawers I've ever seen in real life. I kid you not that his style looked fantastic. He was a wonderful artist and could sketch the most beautiful little pictures. And his art wasn't toned down to one mere field; oh no, for this man drew bugs, people, houses, boats - you name it and he could probably draw it. I'd have never guessed that this man was such a drawer. Of course I knew the fact that he was going to school for medical artist (drawing organs, biology, et cetera), but I couldn't imagine him being that gosh darn good. Even his Nazi-Fly-O-DOOM was colored beautifully. And he was so calm and modest about it too, just holding his child on his knee and only looking ever so often when we all explained how great his work was.

Anyway, dinner ended and I took the kids home, headed back, and am now contemplating the Scavenger Hunt that's going to take place tomorrow. Also, I need to find some 80s fashion sites so I can pick out an outfit for it.

Hmm... Going to have a pretty good weekend.

The mind only views what it can comprehend. Earth may be a whole different world that we don't know about.

Buh Dum Bump

So what's happened in my life for the past few days? The short answer: Not much.

The long answer: My horrible week of pain and suffering ended nicely with all my homework turned in and everything in its place. I've managed to pull through with my sanity intact and my fingers attached, more or less. So here I am, writing about what ever it is that I did for the past week, and somehow... nothing is coming up too easily. I suppose I should just flat out tell everyone that I'm doing just fine. Not angsting, not whining, and not complaining until the next time I read about some junk that I find painful, but,even THAT is slowly going away.

I guess it's time for me to move on and find another relationship. Goodness knows I miss cuddlin' with some beautiful, smart, modest, well-mannered, young woman who could actually stand me. You know who I'm talking about (^_~). Yeah, I'm really not afraid to say it anymore. I don't care what people think when I talk about Miriam (or as I like to call her, Mia!) these days, or the relationship we held with one another. We've had fond memories that I shall always cherish between the two of us, and I appreciate all the time she's spent on me. Still love ya, hun, and probably always will.

Anyway, I'm a bit interested in that Rachael girl that John brought to church a few weeks ago. She regularly attends Gospel Principles and I've talked with her a few times. She's very nice, but I was very worried when I saw her holding a baby in that class on time. My ambitions halted for a while as my mind started conjuring up a plan or two. I've discovered a girl that holds my interest, she lives in Aiken, and she even goes to my college. Not to mention she has some excellent titles to her (I.E. President of the Psycology club, if I'm not mistake). Sure, the girls in the North Augusta Ward are lovely and would probably be worth a relationship, but I find that people from Aiken are more convienient for me. Travelling thirty minutes into another town that I'm not that familiar with just to talk with some one isn't so appealing for me.

Sorry, North Augusta girls, but that's my excuse.

So now I plan on doing one of two things: Coaxing John into giving my Rachael's phone number (might be difficult considering that they didn't have a good experience with one another [for reasons I probably don't know to know]), and then calling her up. Of course, my brain thinks otherwise and says I should be more patient, waiting until Sunday before talking with her face to face. The probability to successfully wooing her with my charm and grace (is it exists) increases when I can look into some one's eyes and make them laugh. Besides, she's probably be weirded out while wondering how I managed to obtain her phone number. At least it would show her that I'm interested!

Why am I tell anyone this? To prove that the mind of a man is much more complicated than most assume it is. People like me plan out things so far in advance, and perfect things as much as we possible can, just to avoid mishaps and mistakes. Then again, this does hold one flaw: pondering consequences.

That's the only downfall to my method of thinking. I'm busy thinking about every outcome so much that I don't do anything about it. It's sad, I know, but I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles. Also, it makes one much more nervous than they should be about such a topic. I can talk to a girl just fine when I don't know they're coming, but if I'm planning something in my mind with them involved, it can be a pain in the butt to get anything done.

Though one advantage of this: I make for a GREAT chess player. Just asked Miriam. ;3 Yes, you go ahead and move that bishop right there... I don't mind. Oh you're going to move him over there are you? Oh ho ho... two more turns until you're finished, my dear.

I'm quite competitive when I want to be.

In other news: Sunday was quite interesting for me. The fact that I stayed out of the house for oh... thirteen hours was enough for that. I first went to church, was bummed that Rachael wasn't there for me to ask her out (I confessed my evil plans to Elder Bowns on the phone and he laughed about it), and then spend some nice time in the Elder's Quorum. Afterwards, I dropped the missionaries off at their apartment and hung around with them until we needed to leave for another baptism. The difference between this one and all the others was that the one on Sunday was held at the stake center in Evans. This meant I'd be heading out of town with a nice forty minute drive.

We stopped by Elder How-Bit's (Howbard, but we nick-named him) old apartment since he was transferred from there a week before and needed to pick up some stuff, then headed over the Baptism. Turned out that we were about an hour early for it so I was able to attend another Elder's Quorum. Two in one day, how about that? Also, I should mention that I've only been the to stake center once before (at night, no less) so I had no clue on how to get there. Luckily, Elder How-Bit was stationed that for a good six months so he had the entire area down.

The Baptism was held in a VERY crampted room and I still have some chalk left on my blazer from when I was leaning against it. The whole session lasted until around 4:30 and we had to leave so as to get to another meeting that day at Mrs. Phillips' (CRAZY lady but she's fun nonetheless) place.

Heading home, we soon found a poorly made detour in our route and became pleasantly lost. Oh, and I was running VERY low on gas, and had only a small amount fo cash on hand. So, I happily asked the missionaries if they could pitch in and we all managed to find our way home on a reasonable amount of fuel. At Sister Phillips' house, we met with a young lady by the name of Devin (made me think of Saga Frontier) and talked with her about the church. It turns out that she had been at church that day, and also was planning to marry Sister Phillips' son, who was also convieniently named James (who are all these Jameses and where did they come from?). So, in place of the missionaries, I gave and got hugs, then hopped into my car so as to follow them over to Brother Basette's home. Being my Gospel Principles teacher, and a good friend of mine, I happily enjoyed his family of... I think 6 - 8 kids. Not only that, but they were all living under one roof. Now, keep in mind that the largest family I'd witnessed at this point was a tie between Miriam's and Killian's (old friend of mine). Five kids in each family, but all spread apart in ages. These little ones looked like they were all one year apart from each other. I could probably count their ages one by one based solely on height.

I should mention a little about each of them. Mason was the oldest around there and seemed very mature for his age, especially compared to the other boys in the church around his age (seriously, they act like idiots). We was with me on the Mississippi trip, and he's eighteen years of age, meaning he might go on a mission the same time I would. Next came Jordan, who I think is a GREAT guy, even without talking to the guy. He took care of the Basette's youngest child so caringly, and was extremely helpful with the dinner; not to mention he handed out a Book of Mormons over to a girl at his school. Just... a great guy. Then came along the younger sibling who I don't know by name, but I do know that one is fourteen, one has a rat-tail (hair-wise [and soon-to-be-mullet]), and the others are something or other. The youngest of them all was Niva, who was a mentally handicapped two-year old. She didn't really look or act it, but they mentioned it. Still was cute though.

So after dinner, I finally headed home, right? WRONG! I still had one more stop to go! Over to Bishop Graham's house I journeyed, which was an entire block away, to watch the fireside with some of the other Aiken ward people. John was there, Audrey was there, Vanessa was there (duh, she lived there), and some blond girl was there was well. I think she was Jessica but I cannot recall too well on that. Still, we hung around and had some pumpkin pie with other pumpkin treats that were pumpkinrific. Since I'd had a very hearty meal earlier, I opted for a mere doggy-bag.

John, once again, tried to push a girl on me. Really now, I appreciate the guy's help and all but come on. I'd prefer to choose on my own anyhow. Besides, I really don't think Vanessa's my type. She's hardly social and she always has this harsh tone when she talks. It's quite agitating on the nerves to hear her over long periods of time. Ah well, I'd be driven into insanity, but at least she's into some anime.

And yeah... that's about all I have in common with her.

Speaking of which, John picked me up for Institute and had me sit in the back seat with Vanessa once more. I can atest this to two things: John has an overly helpful nature about him, and is trying in the most unhelpful ways. Oh, and the secong reason is that he was sitting up front with Jessica, a rather nice young woman who I enjoyed talked to. But, of course, John was probably trying for her (along with Brittany, Ashley, and every other good-looking girl around). Love the guy but yikes... he needs to settle down; and fast. Though he did apologize to me about all the fuss about women he's been causing for me lately.

At least I know he's not serious half the time he does this to me.

And, as of the present, I have my Spring courses scheduled and registered for. And the good thing this time around is that I have two days off in the week. The bad thing is that I have four classes on Mondays and Wednesday, along with three classes on Fridays. I'm kind of glad that I can have every other day off from school, and it should give me more chances to sleep in/work/study rather than worry whether or not if I'm going to wake up in time for Philosophy class. Now I'm just going to wake up, poor myself a bowl of Corn POPS, and enjoy life.

Gotta' have my Pops.

You look upon the stone and see nothing interesting, while I look and see a tiny universe.

Dashed World

I wasn't too sure which team I was on at the time, but I did know that I was certainly in a battle. It looked to be some sort of ruined grounds with battered buildings and desolate surroundings. Maybe it was a long desert around us, though I do no recall. The shouting was heavy in the air, combined with gunshots and the sound of metal clashing against metal. I thought I heard someone cry out in pain as they were shot, rolling over and grasping their stomach. I forget whether it was me or one of my team that made the kill. Yes, I was there fighting in the midst of everything, surrounding by nothing other than carnage.

These people, soldiers rather, were decked out in all forms of equipment. There were those manning turrets whiles others held pistols and rifles. I recall weilding a sub-machine gun, but I can not remember how it felt. I know, however, that I was guilty of pulling the trigger against these... foes. And no one of these soldiers was innocent.

There were men, women, and even children fighting. I remember some children without shirts, Caucasian in ethnicity, who had blond hair and bowl-cuts. They looked so clean and pure, but they too were fighting this battle; "Why?" I wondered.

The battle raged on, forcing me to wield a number of weapons and shoot through many unseen soldiers. I say soldiers because I could not describe the people who fought against me. They were like me, I think, and like the rest of us. Everyone of them were fighting for their own purpose in this game. Was it really just a game? Was some one testing us back then? Those are questions I asked later.

Alas, I closed my eyes and the world changed. I'd falled unconscious some how - perhaps a blow to the head - and rose up, witnessing pure panic. People were shouting at me to run as they were gunned down. Had this battle turned so sour in my absence? A quick glance provided no help as I surveyed my surroundings. Everything was a blue to my sights, a fog that would not allow light to reach my eyes. Bodies spun as bullets ripped through their bodies, turning these once lucid comrades into lifeless cadavers. I remember this young woman, dawning military fatigues, yelling as bullets shot against her metal barrier. It looked as though her time would soon be up if she did not escape.

I never did find out what happened to her.

And ran I did. I ran as fast as I possibly could from this enemy, yet I still heard them from behind me; grunting and shouting with senseless words. Others had joined me in this perilous race for our lives. Some of them, my comrades, weilded weapons while others looked to be no more than regular civilians. They were completely helpless against this foe we were now facing. Who was our enemy? Who were we fighting against again? This did not make sense... it wasn't a game anymore. There was no more glory or justice; We just wanted to live!

Even as andrenaline was coursing through our veins, some could not escape these foes. I saw them as I looked back and fired upon their approaching numbers, gaping in awe and terror as they cut-down and butchered people by the dozens. Equipped with poor armor, these beasts were definitely humanoids, though I can not say further from their. Their faces were stained and their teeth lay red with blood. Long locks of black hair bounced as they ran, tossing sweat and other unmentionable liquids with each step. It was if they were zombies, relentless in their pursuit. How horribly they looked... how evil, vicious, and scary.

These were monsters, not men.

We escaped some how and ran into an intact neighborhood. One house in particular held our interest. It was large, well-supplied, and it seemed like a good hiding place from the hordes of beasts that were attacking us. There was a large upstairs area, a ground floor, and a long stairway that decended down to a lower area holding a bathroom and a basement, as well as an additional exit from the building. I was with a number of the survivors and stayed with some of the families that had joined us. We were all fearful of this new menace. These... these things we fought now were not that adversary we were battling with earlier. I am sure of it. I wondered what had happened during that time I was unconscious.

It didn't matter to me anymore. That battle was over with and this war had begun. These new soldiers were merciless, killing off whoever they could get their hands on. All we had to defend ourselves were a few guns and a bunch of scared civilians. No one was prepared to take on this attacking force, and no one was ready for what may happen to us if/when we lost. I certainly did not want to think about it so I avoided the fanatical individuals who were screaming about us all dying. We has to bind them before using calming reason. How dispeakable; tying up our own allies and trying to force some sense into them. It went against my principles of common logic - which, now that I think about it, probably didn't exist anymore at that time.

Some shared these feelings with me and we took the time to enjoy our little entertainment. The television was still intact so we decided to watch that for a while. Nothing good was on - nothing watchable, at least - so one of my new friends was flipping the channels, going through all the static and fuzz. Were we the only ones that were suffering like this? I doubted the idea, though not enough to entirely dismiss it. But, we did what we could to retain our sanity. Some told jokes while others continued to watch television. I listened to both and found myself smiling at times.

And, of course, I could not supress some of my feelings as I looked upon this rag-tag bunch. A middle-aged woman with reddish hair held some high spirits. She was very optimistic and it spread to the rest of us in that sactuary. I liked her because she had this kind aura about her, something that made me feel like I could trust her no matter what. Another was a rather gruff looking man who looked to have been fighting alongside me in the previous battle. While I didn't remember him exactly, I felt that we were brothers in arms; Both of us had been through a sort of heck that no one else in that group could imagine. There were others, but I scarcely remember their faces, except for one.

There was this young lady who has shoulder-length hair, blond in color and a rather pretty face. She was wearing a light-blue t-shirt with some other designs on it (I can't recall those either) and a pair of jeans and sneakers. If I had to make a guess, she would be around my age. She was quite the woman, being modestly dressed and very generous. I grew a bit of feelings for her in that holding of ours, and I talked with her often during our time in that house. I remember that she rested her body against mine when she was tired, even so much as laying her head upon my shoulder for comfort. I, in turn, would sometimes lay my head down on her lap and close my eyes as she pampered me with her touches. With her, I felt a mild sense of sanity returning to my world, as if the entire ordeal was nothing more than a figment of my imagination. Our relationship was nothing more than temporary comfort, but it was greatly appreciated. I lament not knowing her fate either...

Sometimes, throughout the days, we'd find that there were still people walking the streets. A number of them were in groups while others were completely alone. We could not house the majority of them, but we did come out and talk with them every so often. They exclaimed news of the battles happening around the city and gave information on where various skirmishes were held, giving us enough to write them down on our maps. Most of them moved on, while a few were unlucky.

I cannot express the terror we felt when the monsters ran through the streets during the days. Everyone would cower and not a sound was made. A number of times, the enemy would search around the house, and every other house, and sometimes made raids on the insides. We were lucky enough not to be caught and continued with our lives as they passed by. Though, there were those on the streets who fought against these beasts. When this happened, all heck would break loose against them by the opposing force and cries could be heard as we all lay hidden. Those who fought were quickly torn down, literally, and dragged off for unknown reasons. No one rallied against their beasts anymore. Perhaps if everyone that hid in this neighborhood came together, we would have had a standing force to be reckoned with. However, our numbers were no match for the entire opposition, and our own forces could not deal with patrolling parties.

We were gathered with men, women, and children. Only a number of us were experienced with weaponry, and the majority were but scared civilians.

After a recent raid, no one was willing to bend rules. We stopped allowing anyone into our home, and even foregoed going outside to meet with wandering groups. And who could blame us? We were scared, paranoid, and didn't know when the next party was going to come along and search the houses. So, we sat around, hungry and anxious, as groups and people looked around our area for shelter. Many were injured and even dying. But... we were all dying. There was no denying the fact that not a single one of us was in good condition anymore. And only a few of us still held our sanities.

I was one of them.

As I looked out one day, I noticed two familiar characters sitting on the curves. Their faces were resting in their hands while they looked down upon the road. Surprisingly enough, they looked clean and shirtless. One had short blond hair while the other had a bowl-cut. In the first battle, I recalled, they were their fighting alongside me. Yes, they were experienced soldiers who knew what it was like to fire a gun. Their only problems were that they were children, and we had a rule against allowing anyone inside. I tried to coax my gruff-faced comrade into allowing them to join us, even trying to reason with logic. But he spoke against it and restated the rules we set up. But I would not give up and told him that I would risk my own neck to let these tiny veterans into our shelter. To this, he agreed, just as long as I was the only one to go.

I left the group, much to the dismay of the girl with the light blue shirt, and ventured out of the house. I made sure that no one saw where I came from, just in case the enemy was watching, and stealthily made my way across the hot road to the two young men. When they saw me, their faces lit up like a Christmas tree, running over and giving me a hug. I knelt down to them and told them how there was no time for stories and commanded that they come with me. Together, we made it back to the and I sat down with them, joined by the rest of the group. They spoke of how their group had all been killed off and how gruesome it was. Their excuse for being so clean was that they found a water source close by that had not been destroyed yet, and even pillaged from houses for sturdier clothing. Ever since the battle, they'd both been wandering around from group to group, escaping when things were to dicy for them to deal with. Neither knew what happened, but they were not going to go back. It was good to know that were were not the only ones out there still, and even better that people still fought against this horrible foe.

One day, a few of us were listening to some music being played upstairs. We still had power coming into their house, and we were ever grateful for it. I was busy downstairs, checking out the local latrine while reminiscing all that had happened to us over these weeks. My mind ventured to the thought of how this all came to be, and whether those enemies of ours were from that opposing force. I'f heard of people using chemical warfae before, and cases of distorted humans was a known concept to the military, but I didn't think this sort of calamity could possibly happen to us. How silly this was... that we were caught up in a scenario right out of the movies.

It was then that I heard a loud noise from upstairs. People were shouting at people, telling them to turn the music off and to stop making noises. An odd chill rose through my spine as the shouting continued, turning into screams of pure fear and terror. They knew better than to scream when there was danger around - so why were they doing it? I soon heard the sound of gunshots, even loud cursing as rumbling noises echoed down the stairway. The sound of those same sensless grunts and screams rang in my ears as I peaked around the corner, looking back upstairs. There was banging against the door every so often, loud, as if some one was being tossed against it. I turned away and prepared to run as fast as I could.

That is. . . until I heard the door open. As quietly as I could, I stepped into the bathroom, closered the door enough until only a little crack was left open, only a small light shine through, and entered into the bathroom's tub. I closed the curtains quickly and hid, feeling my heart pounding violently in my chest. "Quite!" I thought, thinking it would be heard by 'them'. My hand was over my mouth and I desperately tried to calm my breathing. The steps outside that door became louder and louder, coming down the small hall and off from the stairs. The light was soon blocked from my vision and my heart skipped a beat. I soon came to realize this:

I am going to die...

Things that Make you go 'Buh?'

Looking back on my other entries of this journal/diary, I find myself thinking "What is the point of writing all that junk down if it doesn't change anything?" Well, for one, it brings me a bit of closure, that's for sure. Wish I didn't have to write with such secretive wording and actually said some of the crud I felt straight out, but alas... I worry that I'll end up making a jack of myself and hurt everyone's feelings.

What I wouldn't do to get some more readers.

In all truth, I only look at a few blogs. I check them out and see if they're worth noting or if anything new has happened. If I see something, I speculate beyond comprehension as to what the possibilities are. In my mind, I'm trying to pull out every single outcome I possibly can, and that ends up hurting myself. It really isn't possibly for half the stuff I think of to go into action. Correction, it is very possibly - I just don't think it would really happen. However, my heart takes the trouble of overthrowing my mind and sending it into a topsy-turvy world. And then it makes the outcome seem logical to my brain, which does its own thing and sends the signals to my various nerve endings. It is then and there that I finally see every single scene play out, and darn if I don't hate that.

But I figure that I shouldn't worry so much, but this feeling comes about almost every day. It doesn't make sense that I, one who has quite the head on his shoulders, could be hurt by something so stupid as emotions. And yeah, I know that some of you are going to argue "Oh James, oh James! Emotions aren't stupid! Emotions are what make us humans and they are totally necessary for our world to exist! You don't want to be all apathetic and careless about the world! You can't control it! That's what makes it fun." To that, I say: "Yeah, well emotions sure do put a number on life." If I could control my emotions, I would. For heaven's sake! I could look at a dead body and show no concern about it. That may just be because I'm a guy, but I see it as a logical explanation. That person died some how and I wasn't involved. Simple as that. I should be able to make a logical sense out of everything, but emotions get in the way and I end up paying for it through angsty moments.

Yes, that arguement could go on and on until the end of time. Fortunately for me, it's my opinion and I like holding to it.

Hardly anything amazes me. Really... if a person if shot from a cannon, flies through a skyscraper, and then lands upon a mat unscathed, I could care less. The fact that I show emotion is based around the presence of others around me. I'll show emotion, whether fake or real, around others to express my thoughts and feelings about a subject. It could be something I have no understanding of what-so-ever, but I'll go ahead and nod my head to them. They may think I know what ever it is they are talking about, but once they ask me a question... well, I answer it in my own fashio - that's another thing I love about myself: I can give my own answers to questions I don't understand at all; and they're right half the time. When I don't answer, or rather talk, it's merely for the sake of etiquette towards others. I don't want to offend some one and make them mad at me, so I'll hardly ever disagree with them. However, in my head I'm going "Ehh... this is moronic."

So here I am, sitting in my own world, listening to some guy talk about his outline to some blond girl laying on the floor. They don't know I'm listening, nor do they care if I am or not. Reason: I don't exist to them. They don't perceive my existance within their conversation; thus, I am segragated from it. If they did care that I was here, they'd look over and ask my thoughts about something. Frankly, if you want some one to be interested in your conversation, you have to ask them about it and get into the groove. And if you're interested, you have to be the one to ask the questions and show that you are fascinated.

I think that is one of the reasons my relationship failed. Ah well, more revelation for me. Oh great, I'm about to go back into angsting, aren't I? I need to stop that junk right now before I make myself out to be more of a fool than I really am. But I do have something that makes me feel that existance is interesting.

George Berkley, a fascinating philosopher. We talked about him in class today and it was one of the greatest discussions ever born. While I actually understood the whole concept he had, others just didn't get it. It's really simple! If you perceive something to exist with your senses, then it exists. If it goes unperceived, then it does not exist to you. This isn't to say that the trees you don't see don't exist or anything, but rather that their existance is unknown to you. Besides, they've already been perceived by some one or something else, so they must exist if they are in the fabric of one's mind and can be perceived once more. Take for example some one you talk to on the internet. You can touch them, taste them, smell them, hear them, and let alone see them. Technically, they don't exist to you. Until you actually see them, touch them, et cetera, they really aren't there for you, even if they do exist.

And yes, I know the person behind the other screen exists, but you really don't know that until you sense them. None of you out there really know that I exist, do you? I mean, the words here only seem to appear every so often for you to read and relate to, but you've never known the author. For all you care, I might just be some abstract entity whose words are merely an expression of your own thoughts and feelings through experiences you held in the past. Wrap you brain around that one without taking some tylenol. However, until you can perceive me, I may as well not exist.

Huh... another revelation for myself. I'm on a roll today, folks.

Still, this little concept goes against the existance of God and all, but that was Berkley's only flaw with his philosophy. Still, one could argue for his conception of God for being the "Infinite Perception." He's perceived everything before anyone else has, and allows for existance to occur without the perception of others. It's why there's gold under that mountain over there, and why there is a center of the earth. It's also why there are billions if not trillions of planets out there that we don't even know about. However, they exist through him. Perception in general exists through him.

Then again, we've never truly perceived him so we don't know if he exists or not for sure. That goes more with faith than it does philosopy. Can't prove and can't disprove and so the arguement goes on and on. Ah well; I have my faith but I also have my philosopy, both are nummy.

For some odd reason... I want cake.

So now what have I accomplished from writing all this right now? I got some more emotional junk off my chest; I've managed to explain a philisophical point of view to everyone that reads; I've some how given a better perspective of who I really am, and that's the way it is.

Enjoy your perceived existance.

If a tree falls down in a forest with no one in it, does it really fall?
Here's a better question: Would there ever really be a tree to begin with?

Twilight Beckons...

Shadows crawl over my vulnerable body, casting me away into the darkness. I shatter like glass against rock as all my fortitude lay destroyed. Fragments of my mind shine distorted images, false hopes, and treacherous promises. I feel it in my chest, growing stronger and stronger. It won't let me breath. I cannot breath! There is no where to go. Hold my hand, some one. Please, I beg of you. Some one reach out and save me from this fiery end. I cannot feel my body anymore. My eyes have blurred, erasing all truth. It's clinging to my body. It's pulling... pulling too hard. It will rip me to shreds if I can not escape.

Please make it stop. Please take this pain away from me!

Kill me! Kill me, please!

~ ~ ~

If my life were a book, I could safely say that moments like that would surface. Fortunately, I am not the sort of person who resorts to such lunacy. I am much smarter than such ideas could possibly push upon me. It takes a lot for my views to change, and nothing can happen in a mere instant. Weeks, months, possibly years is what it would take to change my thoughts and feeling that hold strong in my mind and heart.

Your dream being taken and tossed asside. I wonder if this is how it is supposed to feel... I wonder. How I wish I didn't know sometimes. How I wish I was blind to everything and never felt this scorching fire in my chest. The world is a dark, dangerous existance. Pain, suffering, agony; the word used does not matter. This life of mine had turned around so many times. I arrive and am content, even happy, but I am greeted with a fire known only by me. How lonely this is... that I feel such emotions. Why should I suffer? . . . I wonder.

~ ~ ~

Heart out of the way, I'm sure some of you (if any) are interested in something that DOESN'T involve me turning into an emotional pile of crud.

After Halloween, I enjoyed a pleasant night watching horror movies. Strangely enough, my brother joined my in this event (a rarity) and showed no hostility towards me nor anyone else. He even asked what was happening when something seemed unclear to him. Of course, I only gave short, concise answers so I wouldn't endure any taunts. Still, I'm somewhat glad that we spent that time together, even if we did stay apart from one another.

Tuesday was uneventful. School seemed to drag on and on while we spoke of Elements and some new story. Home was no different for me, but John (friend) saved the day by taking me to Institute. However, he was unable to take me home afterwards due to what ever reasons - chances are, it has something to do with a girl. Speaking of which, I asked John about Rachael, though he said she had 'issues' or something. Apparently, they dated before and his experience wasn't the best around. Oh well, I suppose I'll still give it a try; at least it gives me something to look forward to on Monday.

Eh, but John did give me some more revelation. He told me that the love I had would never go away entirely, and that I would still care about that person forever. In a sense, I'm glad, though I hate that it'll cause more pain for me in the future. Alas, that's life these days, and there's nothing I can do about it. Trust me, if I could, I'd do everything in my power to change the events in my life. But, due to financial and academic restrictions, I am left here alone.

Oh, and women find me attractive. Unfortunately, I'm in no way attracted to them. This one girl in Institute holds some interest in me (it's very obvious), but she doesn't interest me too much. Not to mention she's twenty-six. Yes, Twenty-six in comparison to my mere nineteen. Also, I'm pretty sure another has some interest in me as well. It was quite funny, a few weeks ago, when Mike brough his new girlfriend to Institute and they ventured off. John, being the humorous chap that he was, mentioned that the girl and I should go look for them together.

- Okay, who here thinks that John is trying to hook me up? Everyone's hands risen? Good, I'm glad we all perceive this. -

Basicly, she blushed quite shyly and stayed silent, waiting upon my answer. After a while, I shrugged and looked back at John, who was going to call Mike and disturb his little 'cuddle time'. Turns out that they were only by the entrance on the inside, talking to a guy whose name I can't recall (I think it started with a A... or an M). Anyway, nothing came out of that.

Oh, and another applause for John as I think he's getting other people to rally after his cause of hooking me up. Chad took the trouble of talking with me and saying how I should ask some of the little nineteen-year-old girls out. His excuse for saying this was because they're not interested with guys around his age (28, I believe). And, of course, the guy managed to introduce me to two sisters, Rose and Amy.

What is with people? I have John poking at me to hook up, I have Mike poking here and there, I have Chad poking, and even my Ex-girlfriend has been doing it!

Back on topic, John asked Vanessa a rather awkward question but wondering if she would go out with my or Jowy (a good friend of mine). She started silent and then said, "No comment." She was blushing quite fiercely too, by the way. At least this gives me some hope in knowing that I'm mildly attrative for women who hardly even know me.

Anyway... on to happier topics.

After Institute today, I road over to Vanessa's house with Jowy and talked with her folks, though not before Jowy took the liberty of tossing their cat on to the roof. I kid you not... he literally grabbed the cat and threw it. Guess the cat liked it as it was nuzzling his shoe when he approached (it wasn't the first time he did it, apparently). Invited in, Bishop Graham and his wife offered us pizza while we were staying, and I talked to the Miss about the Wheel of Time book she was reading, and why she was going to read it by Saturday. In case you didn't know, Robert Jordan (the author) is coming to Charleston on Saturday to sign some books, and Clark's very adamant about going to see him. Might go with him if he lets me, and if a bunch of people aren't already going out there.

Anyway, after the pizza, and after Jowy helped fix the Bishop's labtop, the family offered to have us watch a movie. Oh, it's November 1st, by the way (technically the second now), and Star Ways: Episode Three is out. Being the nut he is, Clark bought it at 3 a.m. So, in his absence, we watched the movie and enjoyed it thoroughly, then headed home after the long day.

And here I am, feeling a little bit better.

Oh how I wish the world was different than it was, and that my feelings did not go unnoticed.

One can not feel joy without first feeling pain.